Sadness

I find myself crying for no reason
sitting passenger
on the way to dinner.
I don't know what's wrong nowadays.
the smallest things are giants.
The cat shit in my bathtub
when my boyfriend
mentions past friends
of opposite gender
sleeping in the same car
on opposite sides of course.
Maybe it's the impending taxes
my massive credit card bill.
how I want to be loved
and coddled.
Not be a sugar mama
but a girl worth an effort
and a man with a degree.
Maybe it's the thought of living together
how single-hood is fleeting.
the wild nights and parties
how this is so solid,
so concrete
and yet not.
We're only just babies.
He's not done with college.
Ace told me if you love somebody
you'll do anything for them
even if it meant working
and waiting
I also need to find someone to replace me.
He doesn't understand
how frustrating it is.
My fear of being alone
how I spent most of my childhood
in that state of being alone.
And now I cling to my boyfriend
afraid of  a let down.
I am excited and scared
and so shaky
from a lack of sleep
a lack of beer
and a certain unsettled nervousness.