Thoughts...as the Mayan Calendar ticked itself down

As the Mayan calendar ticked itself down I blatantly thought about death.
My boyfriend is an atheist and he thinks we all indefinitely become cosmic dust.
I don't think I could ever go down that route.
That route is scary as nothingness is scary
to me anyways.
I grew up Catholic and therefore spent most of my childhood
talking to some undefined, all powerful being.
He became a pal,
I made so many requests,
spent so much time talking into air
as a child.
I don't think I could ever be Catholic though
Too many rules, to many inconsistencies, too many bad examples.
I think I fell in love with the mantra
Many rivers to one ocean.
People need religion
for structure, for tradition
it is a river.
I have a river too.
There's too much unknown and mysterious stuff
to whittle everything down to cosmic dust
I hope so anyways.
I will continue to worship
in the cathedral of mountains, the beauty of falling in love, the wonders of the world.
I want to believe we'll all meet in the ocean.
That I will one day meet my boyfriend's mother
doing a backstroke in the sea.
Finally,
I hope she likes me.

Nebraska

Here we are
in the cornfields again.
This windy, flat place
with my old friend.

I remember the reason
I love the Midwest.
The big open sky
fills up your eyes.
The infinite blue
that swallows you.

I think I still like Colorado best

Living Together

You say we basically do live with each other
"Try to remember"
- you say-
"how many nights you've slept alone..
Besides getting shipped away to
the ever ominous field."
Not- too- many

I do have hobbies.
I paint, I skate
I'm writing this poem
but there is an inherent magic
in doing things together
To hiking hand in hand
To having a belay partner.
To skating like the pretty princesses
we most certainly are.

I love you
but I've done this before
Promise me you'll pay rent
That you'll still love me
through the dishes we do,
the laundry that piles,
the cleaning of bathrooms,
the collaborative design,
the dog we shall be
the proud of parents of.

Promise me ..
That you won't leave me.
That we'll stay in love.
Please

Paris is for Lovers

I’m falling in love with Paris by bike,

Pedaling through the city twilight

Dominating Peugots and Renaults

A vicious gang sur leur velos

Lovelocks decorate the side

Of the bridge to Cite .

And of you, I can’t get enough,

Kissing on the Pont de Neuf

Le Petite Prince loved to watch sunsets

Over and over and over again

We get to watch just one sunset

Eating our ice cream near Notre Dame

Twilight hits the reflecting pools,

 And the pyramid of the Louvre

While on the Seine, for Paris, I fell

Seeing the sparkling tour d’eiffel

We stroll through the streets of Montmarte

Navigate from the chapel de Sacre Couer

Looking for the Moulin Rouge, 

holding hands, full of amour. 

Paris for painters, for poets, for foodies and others

Most importantly though,

Paris is for lovers

I’m so glad we found one another

and this great city

how I do love her

Jamie, full of vengeance

I’m not that girl from Illinois anymore

Stop sending me texts

That you’re not okay.

I am okay

You don’t know me anymore

You’ve never met the girl who drinks beer on the regular

Who donned heels and shimmering skirts

For a decadent night out.

That girl who took on lovers

To gain redemption

For youth lost to you

You don’t own the soul

That has thawed out,

From dating you.

That bitter, angry thing, shaded gray and red

I’m no flatlander, no flatfooted, no flat-lined person

Trusting all will be well.

I have climbed mountains,

You were a molehill.

I have elevated

And I am free.  

One Year ... On the Bridge of Notre Dame

Our names are written on a lovelock,
We're ready to toss our keys in the Seine
Through the rainy days of London
I'll return to this day again and again

epic

I want to be epic
but come now...
I just want bragging rights
let's get down to things that make it real
honesty please.
I love the smell of forests
damp and tree-ey with the rain
I love when fog covers the tops of mountains
and the soft soft snow.
I love hiking in a blizzard
and getting over fear
sliding down gets easier
every single time.
I embrace the sun,
early in the mornings,
I love riding through the stars
inebriated biking bliss
I like to sleep on grass in the lazy afternoons.
I love to skate on ice
and feel the speed and wind.
I like the wandering feeling
of the meandering paintbrush in my hand.
If any of it is epic,
however will I know.
It's not always a 14er,
not always the black diamond
no the bumpy technical trail
just the trailblazing
to my very true self.

Rally

You let that one tragic event define your fate.

you use it to render excuses, 

make it too delicate 

to mention,

to touch,

let it hinder life progress. 

Sometimes darling, you've got to rally. 

Dig with blind faith

for that strength to keep moving, 

to heal. 

Like my coach says about goals,

it doesn't have to be pretty. 

......and it's most likely what

she would want you to do...

Time passes, my love,

the past is to be remembered and honored

not something to live in. 

Business Casual

What is business casual?
I've spent weeks in olive green pants
that turn into capris.
I've been covered head to toe in mud,
had fingers too frozen
from sporadic snow in May.
I've sweated on black liner
in the unforgiving desert sun.
I've shot the shit with drillers,
talked about the man
swore like a sailor,
split hard rocks with hammers
carried loads of core.
I've off-roaded on the mine roads
drove pro on the left side.
I've been donning hardhats,
reflective vests, steel-toed boots.
Worked 12 hour days.
how could business casual
fit this in a suit?

Elizabeth E.

Elizabeth Edwards and I
two women scorned.
She died last year and I mourned her
To be so brave in the face of betrayal
cancer, adultery and she had still carried on
as I weeped in my car in a dismal parking lot
for the loss of a relationship
that was nothing to write home about.

Life moves on, the sun comes out again
NPR tells me
John Edwards is on trial
for using campaign money
to cover up the scandal.
Serves the damn fool right.

that time I gave up hockey

There was that time I gave up hockey
I needed to concentrate on school
I was always missing out,
on all these cool adventures,
chilling with my friends.
And then I realized,
I needed it
on sad Saturday nights
when my ex boyfriend left me
to go get stupid drunk.
I needed it
when I was mad,
to keep my soul alive.
Skating like the wind
how it was essential
and any time away from friends
was a time I spent for me.
solely for me.
I never felt so alone
like that time I gave up hockey

Birthday

I'm on the verge of tears, happy at my triumph.
This is my birthday, this is a 14er.
I'm on a mountain-top with my love
with my legs quivering like a baby deer
from the lack of oxygen.
We're eating peanut-butter on cheese crackers,
kissing between mouthfuls,
sun-burned to a crisp.
The sun is shining, there is no wind
and Colorado smiles upon me,
And the place and person I love
are fondly wishing me the best.

6 weeks is a loooong time

6 weeks is a long time.
I used 1 whole bar of soap,
half a bottle of shampoo,
put 5 grand on my credit card,
wept 3 consecutive days
by the 4th week.
I spent 3 hours commuting
to and from work,
learned about 4 hi
and 2 lo.
I drove 5 hours the wrong direction
to get to this airport.
It seems like a million years
since I've seen your face.

homeward-bound

Sitting at the airport
in my brightest dress,
four hours early.
I told the nice lady that it was okay.
I want cementation,
the firmness of fact
that I'm headed home,
where the buffaloes roam,
where my heart is,
where I belong.

Elk-no

High desert Nevada
I don't give a shit
About your rolling hills,
your scrub and your dirt,
the mining roads that I drive
In conquest of gold.
I don't feel alive
Not till I go home,
...
till I reach Colorado.

Home

I'm on the verge of tears
waiting for my sushi
who knew in this po'dunk mining town?
All I want is home
Eat my roll and my tears
Stuffed face like a squirrel.
All I want is home.
My hotel sheets itch
I cannot sleep.
All I want is home.
My boss is loud
and has this laugh.
All I want is home.

Miss You

I want to roam the desert
hand in hand with you,
hike the snow capped mountains,
ride to New Mexico
I keep a little piece of you
wherever I do go.
Love is still a'trucking
Even on the road.
---
Southwest sunsets ain't enough
Phallic cacti don't make the cut
Darling, I am in a rut
I move forward, can't get stuck,
impeding progress to my love.

Grown Up

Business trip in a hotel
on the road for 6 whole weeks.
I run hypothetically
with my credit carded money.
On the verge of 401ks
Per diem and expense reports
don my hard hat in the morning
training and the CQAs
the engineering girl on the way
the only chick on the field
steeled toed boots
reflective vest,
for the restless, there's no rest

Worry

The shadow of that former devil lingers
those sleepless nights,
those injuries,
blackout memories
and how I want to help you
how I want you whole
and in your place in the sun.
the way I know you best.
How I will always think of you
How I love you most

Mornings

I wake up too early, I always do

and now I spend mornings without you. 

And wake up to brilliant sunrises

when pink's still in the sky

The world and I rise as one

Put on my hoodie, 

soft like the light

and immerse myself in cold morning air

mount my bike

and pedal onwards with mountains by my side.

I go to yoga

Because I'm a good girl

where the heat is on high

and my balance is low. 

upward dog, downward dog

collective breaths

my sweeping arms salute the sun. 

I drink my coffee or my tea

pick up a Colorado Daily

do the crossword if it's a good day. 

and blast rap 

dance my face off, do some crunches 

lift some weights, 

practice stickhandling. 

Many an option for the restless young. 

Hop in the shower, 

not even 11. 

I think about your pretty face

my boyfriend who's not quite together

How I want to be together

How I'll help you wake up too

On Getting a Job

I'm sitting across from Mr. Boyfriend at a sushi restaurant
He's talking about a new car,
budgeting the money I make,
going to New Zealand.
This is not the moment for such thoughts

You don't understand, man
This is not about my new found finances
This about me being able to buy q-tips
About not selling my textbooks for money
or my new black chair or my computer speakers.
No more desperation.

This is victory
This is proof to my parents that, yes
engineering is a viable career.
This is proof to myself,
that yes,
the bachelors, the masters is not a waste.
The move to Colorado was brave,
not foolish,
something I put myself in doubt of often.

More importantly,
this job is the fulfillment of a dream.
The culmination of many nights spent unslept
The gathering of my greatest and best friends;
The midnight meetings before a test,
the snacks, the mysterious leg drawings,
the failures and the triumphs of being in engineering school,
wearing your heart on your sleeve
and your TI-83.

I just got a job, I get to stay in Colorado, I get to be an engineer
and life is great.

grocery store run

It's okay, it's okay
I'm weeping into my steering wheel
the ominous end
the Illinois end
that I will not to happen.
Fuck you and your infinite optimism.

Your kissing at stoplights
-we have 45 minutes-
The way you tell me
-there's gotta be something.
And if that all goes down the shitter
You still have me.-

Yes, love,
 I still have you

Fighting

Them's fighting words,
you over-elaborater
taking one thing and blowing it up,
tallying scores
sending them out
like little darts, shooting for points
of justification.

And then there's me
who can take a fight
but not with words.
I have no darts.
I have no art
when it comes to debate.
All I have is love,
dumbass.

Enough

I'm the girl who hot-boxed her room

turned the heat up to stop the shivers.

you're the guy with the washcloth

calling me idiot, opening windows

it's 3 A.M.

oh darling you're enough

I'm the bespectacled girl,

in the sweats

looking like I'm about to barf.

you're driving me to urgent care

darling you're enough. 

I'm the girl who still feels nauseous
is still feverish, and is still achy.
You're massaging my back,
fixing up my computer
darling you're enough

I'm the girl sleeping in your bed all day

with uneven breathing.

You make me Campbell's chicken noodle,

wrap me in your mother's blanket, 

hold me tightly in your arms

tell me I'm enough.

throwback poem: The 'e' and 'r' in early

In light of my recent visit to the hospital, I thought about my last one at 4 A.M. I like this one because it shows how you can put yourself together and be so calm in chaotic times.

The ‘e’ and ‘r’ in early

There’s an e and r in early

And writhing in pain is one thing

I feel like one of those girls

I’m made to sing about

Hanging around street corners

In the drizzle

Singing out “Love for Sale”

I like people

But isolation is beautiful

Stray cars

Faint music from

one of the ramshackle

houses

Street lights

And streets

That shine like silver

Like the neglected girl

In Les Mis.

Lots of songs…

About hos and miscreants

Pain in beauty

Beauty in pain. 

Odes to Compadres

found this recently. Interesting. Veeery interesting.
#1
Periwinkle girl, between black and white
fluctuate your moods
move from dark to light
And light into the dark
And that's when I'm afraid
Unsure of your sincerity
Peaks of happy highs
Down to the depths of low.
You say you'll get a movin'
Then you never go.

#2
You're off in Seattle
where the rain falls often,
where the pine trees grow tall,
where you're meant to be.

Amidst the gray splendor
with physics endeavors
in rain cloud moods,
good riddance from me.

When I Am Skiing

Nothing else matters

at the edge of flight. 

Letting go of that edge, 

allowing the fall. 

Kitchen Wall, Your Father's House

The calendar on the wall says 2004.

A freebie from that radio station, KBCO

And in the spaces

little notes, 

how to take care of plants, the roots and such

scribbled in your mother's hand. 

And on the side

a narrow sheet of emergency contacts, 

a long list accumulated:

doctors, dad's work, neighbors

but all of mom's numbers crossed out. 

You say it just happens sometimes,

but I just can't stand it. 

and I understand,
why you can't sleep here anymore.

New Years Eve

It's our New Years,
the time's been ticked out.
You tell me you love me
I feel the same.
You give me a word
for things I can't name.