5AM TO MY LOVER

you're so asleep right now old man
I'm wide awake, it's 5 AM
I drank two cups of turbo coffee
and am doing homework
you would scold me
and tell me that my brain don't work
in that same fashion
your grammar lacks.
And I am eating lots of snacks.
man you would have a rant attack
Because that's the stuff that you would do
if you stayed awake way past two.
Did I tell you I like you?
galactic clusters, maybe two.
xoxox
love Jamie

Late Procrastication

In the late late night
I'm making lists
of what makes me happy
what still gives me rage
what needs to be done
what needs to hold off
I am piecing myself with words
to stop from feeling so detached
so far from put together
drinking my coffee
eating leftover ravioli
pushing myself with what needs to be done
I will be that girl

Ginger

As my boyfriend sits in his old car
reliving his seven years of good memories
I can only think of you.
I know exactly how he feels.

I got you in high school
Abused with stickers by my mother
Betty Boop grinning benignly on the right driver window
Little Calvin pissing in the back
Rosary swinging from the rearview mirror
taunting me with the possibility of bad luck
lest I remove it.
There's that dent from the garage
the first time I tried to back you up.

And how we drove!
Our late nights at the high school
the way you bankrupted me
as I proudly insisted on paying my own gas
for my very own car.
We went to bowling alleys, to parks
to hockey games.
I remember those early early mornings
digging you out of snow 
cracking ice off of your windshield.
Those tough Chicago winters
with salt eating your parts.

In college you were a best friend.
Getting groceries, getting drunks, giving rides
An ever generous benefactor
Abused by my dear friends.
Those long rides past cornfields
The lead-foot might of marathon rides
from Chicago-Champaign- Carlyle.
The new thrill of highways
but never ever a speeding ticket.

And you were brave in Colorado.
The very bravest, noblest car.
You took me to Colorado
That 16 hour drive
driving me further into committment.
3 states deep into the future
with someone not meant to be in it.

And did we try!
We drove all over Colorado
Nothing could intrigue him
and when he left
I sat down and cried in you.
Cried in parking lots at midnight
talked to you.
You drove me back to sanity
to food and shelter and calm.
And althought nothing was okay
You gave the hope it could be.

I'm sorry your death was inglorious
Not by my hand, by ice and bus
but I should thank you
I'm more myself than I ever was before
All those trite sayings about the journey
are never trite with you baby.
I miss you

Better

I don't need no revenge

I used to be a nice girl

I used to send Christmas cards.

I traveled halfway 'cross the country

Just to see my friends

I used to call my parents

I guess I thought all good things 

must come to an end.

....

I stopped believing in the nice girl

I believed in seduction

I believed in the ruthless, 

the anger and the looseness.

And with that I thought I'd mend.

And then I met you

With your real dates

Our real fights, our real amends

The real kisses 

and the real thank yous

your absolute kindness

and the good karma that surrounds you. 

I'm so glad I met you

I want to be that nice girl again. 

Saturday Night and the Girl who lives in it

Pedaling fast in a world of starlight

I forgot I lived for these Saturday nights

riding my bike in beautiful drunk splendor

through the dark streets of Boulder.

where drunk rolls in the grass 

  are rolls of perfection

and your group of friends become

your vicious bike gang

a most complacent gang 

smoking weed on hills above a lake

becoming pagan children worshiping moon beauty

music becomes the most tempting enticement

as you change your movement

to the flow of water, to the flow of beer

to whatever seems right

and someone says

to your delight

"come on, have you seen this girl?"

ick Monday

it's Monday
a gray day
sipping chai indoors
with industrial feelings.
must do work
must fall asleep
must muster something
with a semblance
past zombie..

apologetic, not hungover

moving is hard for you

and celibacy's hard for me

and darling this is what it will have to be

I can do it, I swear

I smile thinking about us

and how we met

so naturally under the rain

 how I still kept coming 

back to this place again

Kissing you senseless

that should be enough

kissing neck shadows

lining your scruff

the freckles on your shoulders

the hair on your chest

the face you possess

I like it best.

I'm quite the asshole

young and impatient

violent, raging

flighty, unsanctioned

but I like you

and I'm holding steady

don't have a choice, love

at least I am ready

Starbucks Fancy Coffee

Pumpkin spice latte
is warm in my hand
good morning!
you're horny!
I understand.

I play with fun ads I've made in my head
slurp something better, have coffee instead
it's paying for more, but at least you'll get some
humor's all I got and frustration's just dumb

and yes... I do amuse myself sometimes :)

frustration take 2

I'm sorry, I'm sorry
is all you can bleat
STOP
SILENCE
I want slumber sheep

stop promising sex
just let me sleep
and unconscious
sanity, I'll try to keep

goodbye airline perks!

I can tell you about airports
my childhood in airports
the standby in airports
my job at the airport

tell you the codes for every damn city
can do a whole safety talk
how to fly through security
and all I can say is I'm done with the airport
with my perks out the door...

I'm staying still
yet moving so far
got my bikes, and my trains
and assorted cars.
I'm no longer beholden to flight if you will
moving so far
while staying here still.

frustrated

 I am writhing solo

an unreasonable creature

desiring the unattainable.

the restless night calls

and you're next to me

untouchable 

unbotherable

so so so 

still

you have every reason in the entire world

to sleep so very still;

your face content, 

your warmth inviting.

unfortunately

I want more

 than just your arms

Fall in Boulder

Boulder in fall
is not fall at all.
It is a rogue flaming tree
among a sea of  pines.

Permanence

In a life like this

change is all we count on

and yet....

I don't want things to change

how I fear I'll lose this feeling of affection

the desire to kiss the freckles on your shoulders

I want place holders

memories aren't enough. 

I want to keep

Selfishly, lovingly, unabashedly keep

the permanence of feeling

the full light of a place 

where all I see is sun.