New Job, last dream deffered

I lost a job

I got a job 

exactly one month in between

Will I still be, 

that starry eyed engineer?

Or will I get better,

faster, stronger? 

I learned something, 

in my utter disappointment. 

You've gotta love 

what you do

or all is lost. 

Sadness

I find myself crying for no reason
sitting passenger
on the way to dinner.
I don't know what's wrong nowadays.
the smallest things are giants.
The cat shit in my bathtub
when my boyfriend
mentions past friends
of opposite gender
sleeping in the same car
on opposite sides of course.
Maybe it's the impending taxes
my massive credit card bill.
how I want to be loved
and coddled.
Not be a sugar mama
but a girl worth an effort
and a man with a degree.
Maybe it's the thought of living together
how single-hood is fleeting.
the wild nights and parties
how this is so solid,
so concrete
and yet not.
We're only just babies.
He's not done with college.
Ace told me if you love somebody
you'll do anything for them
even if it meant working
and waiting
I also need to find someone to replace me.
He doesn't understand
how frustrating it is.
My fear of being alone
how I spent most of my childhood
in that state of being alone.
And now I cling to my boyfriend
afraid of  a let down.
I am excited and scared
and so shaky
from a lack of sleep
a lack of beer
and a certain unsettled nervousness.

Be Easy

Being easy is free

I guess what I’m saying is you insist on my freedom

My ability to speak

Well stop speaking for me then.

Let me talk about my job.

My accomplishments, myself

Let me put on music

Agreeable to both of us, when I want.

 Don’t change my radio

When it so inclines you.

You could learn from NPR

And not stay in a bubble

Let me listen to the soft stuff

You can sleep if you want

if you find it so boring.

I find it relaxing.

We don’t always have to sing together

Let me be and give me time

To form thoughts in my head

Be easy

Be cool

Your high pitched energy’s endearing

But there’s so much you’ll miss

If you’re constantly talking. 

Shut Up

You try so hard

Urging me to talk

To speak my mind

Provide the whys

to things I don’t know

The answers to

Things don’t always need answers

Sometimes they just need a do

Not a don’t.

A will to a won’t.

Don’t call me that word

I am not yellow

I am not oriental.

It does not refer to people of the East.

It is not a quaint, antique-ish word,

I am not a rug

It’s not funny

Goddammit.

I don’t care if people overcome

The bullying of their youth.

I don’t care that you overcame

Your purpleish eyelids or your pale skin

I should not have to explain myself.

Just stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop. 

Sleepless

Insomnia bites into you

Zombie boyfriend

Making your mind whir

Like the cars in that endless video game you play

loop de loop thoughts with no intention of halting

Of releasing the pedal

I can’t keep up with you

Not this time.

I’ve lost you to the dark place

In your head,

The part that spits out anger to inanimate objects

That constantly tells me I don’t understand

I can’t understand

and never will

And I sometimes fear

This will be how it ends. 

Thoughts...as the Mayan Calendar ticked itself down

As the Mayan calendar ticked itself down I blatantly thought about death.
My boyfriend is an atheist and he thinks we all indefinitely become cosmic dust.
I don't think I could ever go down that route.
That route is scary as nothingness is scary
to me anyways.
I grew up Catholic and therefore spent most of my childhood
talking to some undefined, all powerful being.
He became a pal,
I made so many requests,
spent so much time talking into air
as a child.
I don't think I could ever be Catholic though
Too many rules, to many inconsistencies, too many bad examples.
I think I fell in love with the mantra
Many rivers to one ocean.
People need religion
for structure, for tradition
it is a river.
I have a river too.
There's too much unknown and mysterious stuff
to whittle everything down to cosmic dust
I hope so anyways.
I will continue to worship
in the cathedral of mountains, the beauty of falling in love, the wonders of the world.
I want to believe we'll all meet in the ocean.
That I will one day meet my boyfriend's mother
doing a backstroke in the sea.
Finally,
I hope she likes me.

Nebraska

Here we are
in the cornfields again.
This windy, flat place
with my old friend.

I remember the reason
I love the Midwest.
The big open sky
fills up your eyes.
The infinite blue
that swallows you.

I think I still like Colorado best